Calm

Many of you, if not all of you (I like that I know who you are), will know what I mean when I reference ‘the genetic stuff’. Hopefully all I have to worry about passing along to my son is a few missing teeth (I had braces, you can’t tell anymore, shhhh), teenage acne and frizzy hair (man, I was a lucky teenager huh?). That and a tendency to become quickly sensorarily (not a word) overloaded when faced with the need to use more than one sense at the same time (joke, obvs, mostly). Hopefully 'the genetic stuff' won't feature. 

We still don’t know why my two brothers died in infancy. Both had the same symptoms, both were boys and that’s pretty much all we have to go on. There have been many tests done on me and my mum and sister – trying to see if there’s a blip in our DNA that could indicate a faulty X chromosome somewhere. All tests have been negative, which is positive, except that it leaves us knowing a whole lot of nothing.

Early in the pregnancy, when tests were being done and Alan (not his real name) seemed less real, I worried more than I do now. I let my mind imagine all the things and I would make Jeremy tell me it was all going to be OK, even though his word doesn't mean a whole lot given he has as much control as I do over the whole thing. I’m not sure what stopped me worrying, but as Alan has grown more real and more kicky and as his birth has become more imminent, I've been able to put aside all the stuff I can’t control. Nothing so far has given us any actual reason to worry – no tests have indicated any problems and if something were to happen then we’re in a city with one of the world’s best children’s hospitals and medicine is 30 years older than it was for my brothers. 

But despite knowing all these things, I don’t think they’re why I’m not worrying. They’re probably why Jeremy’s not worrying, but rational thought isn't my strong suit. It's more that I have this feeling of being protected – not a feeling that we’re immune to bad stuff, but that I’m protected from the worry that my normal brain would be conjuring up in great detail. I think my mum’s prayer group might have something to do with it. And all the other people in our lives loving us and feeling excited for this future that’s about to arrive. I’m thankful for it, this feeling, wherever it’s coming from.

I also have heartburn this week. I had to Google what it was because I've never had it before. I don’t like it.