Due Date + 1

We're at due date + 1 and no baby, which isn't massively surprising but it is weird to think that the date I've been reciting for 9 months has now lost all significance.

Snow just keeps on falling and Jeremy is currently up on the flat part of the roof, shoveling. A part of me wishes I could help but a bigger part is very happy I can't.

And I'm just waiting. Waiting for this baby to arrive (or the process of arrival to begin - if only storks delivering babies was a real thing) and for our lives to change. I've found myself feeling something close to sad or nostalgic for our child-free life together - for it just being me and him and the cat. I remember feeling something similar right before I got married. A strange feeling of sadness and loss as I gave up being just a daughter and took on being a wife also. And now of course I'm taking on 'mother' as well as wife and daughter. When it happened before our wedding - the knowledge of this change - it took me by surprise and I felt it like a shock of grief. Now it's more of a known feeling and I know that the gain will outweigh the loss. I know that Love is not a finite thing, and it'll grow to accommodate this baby so that Jeremy and the cat and my family won't feel any reduction in my love for them - that if anything it'll grow for everyone. That's a miraculous thing right there.

But when I woke at 5am this morning to pee and then lay waiting to fall back asleep, listening to Jeremy's sleeping breathing with the cat curled up at his feet, I had to acknowledge the passing of this time where it is just us. Almost to mourn it in some small way. Where I'm not listening for anything else or checking on anyone... where my world seems to be contained within one sleeping bed.

I'll miss it, even as I know I also won't.